I've noticed a pattern in these blogposts. I really only update this thing every 3 years! haha Well, here I am again three years later hoping to do a little updating. I've been trying to get in the habit of journaling everyday because I'm always thinking about things but never really get the chance to organize my thoughts.

Today, I'd like to begin this blog with a new purpose. I'd like to use this blog as a journal describing my spiritual journey. Lately for the past 6 years I have been struggling with my spirituality in many aspects. I struggle with making sense of my beliefs, seeing what role I fit within my church, and the heart of service.

There seems to be a high need for youth support at church. I feel that working with youth is something God has called me to do. I guess I've always kind of known this was my field of service, but I began to question my intentions of service a couple years ago. In retrospect, many of my contributions to the church through service have been for the wrong intentions. For example, serving on worship teams, teaching sunday school, and leading various group activities. I just felt like what I was doing was "noble" but the heart wasn't really there. Since then, I have stopped serving altogether. Too many times I have served at church but lived a totally different lifestyle outside of church. In an effort to eliminate this in congruency, I separated from my church. By moving often, I convinced myself I wasn't part of the church because I lived too far.

If I am to serve again, I want it to be for the right reasons. No hidden agendas, just pure worship. I have been distancing myself from serving in my church for too long. I keep telling myself that I am not worthy to serve, not worthy to represent the church. I believe God has been calling me for a long time. He has given me gifts that He wants me to share. I do owe a lot to my church for raising me into the person I am today. At the moment, I feel like I have an obligation. I want to serve but not until my heart is right. So the question I struggle with is, how will I know when my heart is right? How do you serve with your heart and no personal agenda?